Case study: They only knew my name

How can existing churches effectively assimilate new people?

Here is a young man's account of his difficulties of "getting plugged in" to a local church.

I found Christ as a child through a Christian family. When I was a teenager, a person came into my life and discipled me like the Apostle Paul did with Timothy. This awesome relationship enabled me to grow spiritually by leaps and bounds. Unfortunately, while I was away at a university, my mentor died.

Over the next eight to nine years I lived in three or four states, finally landing in Colorado. I bounced around between churches. I struggled because I had a hard time connecting with others in the church the way I had connected as a teenager with my mentor. Ultimately, I realized that I had unfair expectations, and I have now been able to begin accepting the different relationships I have with other believers for what they are. Even so, I have found it difficult to plug in at churches.

I struggled because the churches I've encountered only offer fellowship within structured church activities. Over time, God worked on my perspective and feelings about this. Eventually, I came to the point where I realized I need to look for relationships to give to and not take from. When I started moved to Colorado Springs, I went to several churches with every intention to be a giver. I helped when I could, and I made efforts to put myself in positions to build relationships.

While going to one church I played pickup basketball a couple of mornings a week with people from another church including five of its staff members. This was easy to do because at the time we lived in an apartment across from that particular church's parking lot. Though I did this for an entire year, I never had more than a casual conversation with anyone, including the staff members. Everyone was friendly, and we got along great inside that environment. However, no one inquired about me beyond small talk. After the basketball games, I would ask about ways to get involved, or opportunities to fellowship with other men so we could encourage one another to grow in Christ. They gave me the schedule of church services and Sunday School, but that was it. They had a hard time thinking about church outside of structured activities.

When I would go to play ball, I got along particularly well with two of the staff members. However, I was never invited to do anything with them beyond that. Several guys often went to lunch together after we played, but I was never invited to go with them. Though I played basketball with them for over a year, they knew nothing about me beyond my name and the fact I was taking classes at a college in the area.

One day they talked about forming a team to play in a church basketball league. I expressed interest, but in the end they did not have enough people interested to put together a league team. Then, I happened to overhear one of the staff say that another church was playing in that league. When I asked about it, he gave me the other church's phone number. I called, paid the fee and played on that church's team for its ten-week season. There was great team spirit and camaraderie on the basketball court, but during those ten weeks not one person from that church knew anything about me beyond my name and the phone number I put on the sign-up sheet when I gave them my money.

I was the only outsider on the team of 10. They all knew each other from church. While friendly to me, they made no effort to really get to know me. I don't think they even knew if I was a Christian. After those ten weeks I never heard from any of them again.

The saddest part about this is that both these churches had a stranger in their midst — even in close contact with their leadership — for an extended period of time, and they did nothing about it. Several staff members — who may have been very good in their assigned ministry tasks — could not even do outreach when opportunities occurred on their own turf. While they may not have had poor intentions, it did seem that they had no intentions at all. They seemed too busy with programs and church activities to build relationships outside of those activities and with people outside of the circle they were used to being with.

Imagine you were a "consultant" to one of these churches and came across this story. What concrete steps/changes, if any, would you propose?

How do you take conversations to a deeper level? How do you get beyond small talk? [ read more ]

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Howard Culbertson, 5901 NW 81st, Oklahoma City, OK 73132  |  Phone: 405-740-4149 - Fax: 405-491-6658

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