Bible story bloopers

Some of these Bible story bloopers were wandering anonymously around the Internet. Several come from Richard Lederer's Anguished English,. Those which did are used by permission.

Second of 10 Commandments: Thou shall cast no idles.

In the first book of the bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked: "Am I my brother's son?"

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's son, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The seventh commandment is: Thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was a taximan.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Here's one that is not a blooper, but it was biblical humor that came wandering into my email box from cyberspace.


An elderly woman had just returned home from an evening church service when she realized there was an intruder in her home. Seeing that he was in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, the lady yelled "Stop! Acts 2:38!"1

Hearing her, the burglar stopped dead in his tracks and stood motionless. The woman calmly called the police and explained what was going on.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a Bible verse at you."

"Bible verse?" said the burglar, "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"


1"Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." (Acts 2:38)

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