"What's up, sweet cheeks?"

Jeremiah looked up to see Ganette standing three feet in front of him. This was a very rare occasion if someone as noisy as Ganette could approach him unnoticed. Jeremiah stared at Ganette pondering the situation. This was going to be a very interesting night, and it was only midnight, early for a weekend. Ganette was a blond bombshell, as the saying goes. Tall and slender, Ganette was probably the only girl in the "stoner" crowd at East Central High School that attracted even the aggravating preps.

She's probably going to proposition me for sex, since my parents are gone for the weekend and both of my brothers are at friends' houses for the night, thought Jeremiah.

"Good evening, Ganette, what's the good word?" replied Jeremiah.

"Sex, what other good word is there?" came the predictable reply.

"Is there something I can help you with? You're not being stalked again by an ex-one-nighter are you? I am not in the mood to beat the fire out of any love sick cowboy," said Jeremiah.

"Jeremiah, I decided at work while making a seriously overweight Korean man a Frisco that your virginity offends a lusty woman like myself. So, this is what I am going to do, I am going to carry you upstairs to your parents' bed and I am going to make a sex-monger out of you."

"Really," answered Jeremiah, "don't you think we should ask my parents to sleep somewhere else?"

"Your parents aren't here, and I don't have a date tonight. If we don't have sex tonight it could be months before I am able to fit you into my schedule. I think it is in your best interests to not pass this offer up."

"Ganette, exactly how much is the pool on my sex life now?"

"Almost two hundred dollars."

"That's a lot of money," replied Jeremiah, genuinely honored that his women friends placed such a high value on being the first to sleep with him. "Tell you what, the number to where my parents are staying is on a notepad by the phone. If you go and call them, and ask them if it is okay with them if we have sex in their bed, and they say yes, then its okay with me and I will split the money with you. How does that sound?"

"I think it is perfectly wretched of you to keep teasing me this way. Do you know what I could do with that much money?" answered Ganette. "Anyway, I must leave. Jenny and I are going to shoot pool at Looney's, you wanna go?"

"No, there might be more of you in the pool with you, and I don't think I can fight off that many women at once. Besides, I am going over to Eric's for awhile."

Ganette gave Jeremiah a curious smile and said, "You know, for someone as lonely for quality female companionship you spend a lot of time with Eric. If you're not careful, all of those Christian chicks at school will think you're gay."

"Those women would find me repulsive anyway. Eric is my best friend, and besides he is one of the few friends I have that doesn't want to sleep with me." Jeremiah had meant to be funny, but he could hear the sadness in his voice.

Ganette kneeled on the porch in front of him, put her arms around his neck and kissed him. Jeremiah was so depressed at his own loneliness that he didn't even stop her. After a few seconds that felt like hours to Jeremiah, Ganette pulled her lips away, and for the first time in the four years that Jeremiah had known her, she looked compassionate and serious. What she said was even more shocking than the way she looked.

"Jeremiah, I love you. We all love you. There is not a woman in the pool on your sex life that would deny they love you with as much love as we are each able to feel with the lives we live. We made this bet because we all know that as soon as you are able, you are going to college as far from Tulsa as you can. When that happens you are going to meet a girl that will love you whole-heartedly, and you will finally give someone that big, sad heart you keep so safely guarded. We all know that we are not what it takes to be that girl, and we know that sex with you is the closest any of us get to being near to your heart." A tear fell from her eye.

"Ganette."

"No, don't interrupt. I know I cannot have your heart, we all know that, but I will settle for your body. Now go to Eric's," and then she got up and walked to her car.

Jeremiah stood up, "Ganette, I. . ." but he couldn't say it.

Ganette smiled and said, "I only wish you could say that phrase and mean it."

Jeremiah watched Ganette's car until it disappeared around the corner. For about ten minutes he just stared at the stars. Then he got up and drove to Eric's house.

As expected, Eric was sitting just inside the gate to his home, smoking a cigarette. About five-six, Eric had long, auburn hair that made women angry with jealousy, it was so beautiful. Eric didn't look up when Jeremiah walked through the gate.

Without looking away from his cigarette, Eric said, "About time you showed up. I just filled the tub for a warm bath when I realized you were on your way over."

Someday I am going to find out how we know what the other is doing, thought Jeremiah.

"Ganette showed up when I was on the way out the door," replied Jeremiah.

"How much is that pool up to now?" Eric asked.

"She said almost two hundred dollars."

Eric laughed, "If you were a normal man, and not a depressed punk like me, you would be having the time of your life right now, being that your family is out of the house and all."

"What do you have to be depressed about? Your woman broke up with you two weeks ago, your mom has made it clear she will kick you out if your step-dad asks her to, and you've been having a problem with split ends the last month or so, but I can't possibly think what would be depressing you."

"Jeremiah," he looked at Jeremiah finally, "I have finally figured it out. The whole mudpile that our lives have become is finally accessible to my mind. Would you like to hear it?"

"I don't know. The last time we had it all figured out we spent two hours trying to lose the two carloads of Goths that were trying to have us over for dinner, so to speak."

Eric smiled as he took a long drag of his cigarette, "So I was wrong. Throwing water balloons at a group of Goths during one of their spell-casting services wasn't the answer to eternal boredom, but this time I am sure I got it right. Now, do you want to hear my wisdom or do I need to have Ganette come over and force you to choose between her and me?"

"I'll listen to your wisdom, but this had better not be the feel-good crap I get from my therapist, and your wisdom better not include taking more anti-psychosis medicine. You have no idea how tired that stuff makes me."

"Toe nails," came Ericís reply.

"Toe nails?" Jeremiah asked.

"Yes. Toe nails and dogs licking up spit."

"All right, now I'm hooked. What are you talking about?"

Eric looked Jeremiah in the eye with a questioning look and said, "You mean you don't know? Listen, what was it that our toes were originally designed for?"

"We have toes to keep balance."

"Ha," Eric said. "How can someone as smart as you be so stupid. The original use for our toes was for hunting. We used our toes to grip the ground for better traction while chasing our impending dinner. As far as dogs are concerned, the answer is even easier to see. Why do dogs lick up our spit so quickly and eagerly?"

"Because they are stupid creatures who do not realize how disgusting that is," replied Jeremiah.

"Wrong again," said Eric. "Dogs lick our spit because they were the original masters of the earth. However, they did something that was an even greater sin than Adam and Eve, and were cursed with their current lowly state. Of course, in my infinite wisdom I have figured out why they lick up our spit. It is the only way they are going to be able to regain their former majesty, but in order to regain their former majesty, they must first lick ten million human spit wads." Eric stood up suddenly and gave Jeremiah a big hug, "So now what do you think, my friend? Now we can stop being depressed because now we have the answers we have been looking for so long."

Jeremiah laughed as Eric let go of him and sat down in the chair next to Eric's spot on the porch. Jeremiah looked at the rose bush a few feet away, and began to wonder why he had ever mixed himself up with Eric and his other friends. Not that any other group of people at school had accepted him, or that any of the others ever would. To the ignorant ear this conversation would have sounded like the rambling of two stoned teenagers. To Jeremiah however, this conversation was beginning to scare him. Usually, conversations with Eric began with what was causing our depression, not what the solution to it was. Jeremiah knew Eric too well to find a whole lot of humor in this conversation. Eric's demeanor was different from usual. It was almost like Eric had realized something about their existence, but Jeremiah was sure that it had nothing to do with toenails or dogs licking up spit. There was a relieved sense to Eric's tone of voice that was beginning to worry Jeremiah.

"So would you mind explaining to me why this sudden burst of revelation is the answer to our depression?" asked Jeremiah.

Eric flung his cigarette into his mother's rose garden and said, "I want to go back to the way it used to be. Back to when mankind was too stupid to know what moral evil was. I want to be like a dog, free of all responsibility except to lick up human spit. I am tired of what you and I have become. I am tired of waking up in the morning and wondering if this is the day I will get to die."

Now Jeremiah was definitely worried. This was not the first time he or Eric had said something like that, but now there was not any of the despair along with it. If Jeremiah did not know better he would say that Eric sounded almost happy. While Jeremiah was trying to figure out his next statement Eric continued.

"The best thing about being a dog or a toenail," he said, "is that their life span is too short to regain their former place. Dogs do not live long enough to lick ten million spit wads, and we clip our toenails too much for them to grow thick and long enough to be used for hunting. The funny thing is, dogs seem so content with their situation. They do not seem concerned that they will never again be the masters of the earth. It makes me think, Jeremiah, that is you and I are dumber than dogs. We are always wondering if we will live long enough to see the ends of our depression, or if we will ever have a month when we do not have to refill a prescription for one of our many brain medications. We should be more like dogs. We should live our life spans content with our situation, and only make half-hearted attempts to improve our situation because we know that we will never live long enough to change anything for the better. We could be happy with conformity, and stop trying to set ourselves apart. That is the realization that I have come to, Jeremiah."

"I didn't know that such a horrible thought would ever cross your mind, Eric."

"But it isn't a horrible thought. I have finally been released from the pain of our existence."

"It's late, Eric, and I have to sleep sometime. Why a bath? You usually take showers."

"I think a bath will fit my new attitude better than a shower."

"Is it a hot bath, or just above lukewarm?"

"Just above lukewarm, I don't like hot baths."

"That's probably for the best, Eric. Warm water makes for better circulation."

When Jeremiah stood up, Eric also stood up and began to walk to house door. Just before Eric walked into the house, Jeremiah said, "Never say goodbye, friend." And then he walked into the house, and Jeremiah drove home.

At home, Jeremiah did not sleep. He sat up in the living room all night waiting for the phone to ring. At about seven thirty the phone rang as expected.

It was Ganette and she was crying, "Jeremiah," she said between sobs, "Eric is dead. He killed himself in the bath tub last night. Jeremiah? Did you hear what I said? Eric is dead!"

"I know," replied Jeremiah. Then Jeremiah hung up the phone without a goodbye, and he went to bed.

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