What MKs wish their supporting churches knew

Missionary kids (MKs) often feel disconnected and homesick when they return to their supporting churches, despite being warmly welcomed "home."
MKs may not feel a deep relationship with their supporting churches, even though they have been supported and prayed for since birth.
When interacting with MKs, avoid assuming they are glad to be "home" and instead acknowledge their homesickness.
Building meaningful connections with MKs involves understanding their unique experiences and interests, planning activities for bonding, and avoiding cliché phrases like "My, how you've grown."

Perspective and words of advice from one who grew up in a missionary family

by Missionary Kid Ron Snell

This article appeared in the Evangelical Missions Quarterly. © by Ron Snell, Used by permission

I sit in the middle of the back seat of a large green car -- a donated gas guzzler with rather loose steering connections. I'm sitting way in the back with my younger sisters. Obviously, when it was time to argue for the best seats for our ride to church, I lost.

They say that we are on home assignment. That word "home" bothers me, though, because, as far as we kids are concerned, "home" is the other country we just came from. But nobody understands that when we walk in the door of the church.

"Welcome home," they say, gushing over their missionaries. Dad and Mom greet them warmly, hug them, say how good it is to see them, and introduce us: "Terry, Ronny, Sandy, Melody." Born in that order.

"My, how you've all grown," these greeters tell us for the skulzillionth time. We don't remember ever seeing them before. To us, they are complete strangers, though we have been told over and over again how important they are to our lives and to our parents' ministry of Bible translation.

"They've supported us and prayed for you kids since you were born," we were reminded this morning when we asked, "Do we have to go to another church?" We want to try to be grateful, but we have no relationship with them deeper than the pictorial church directory we get every couple of years. As a matter of fact, we don't even know our aunts and uncles very well.

With big smiles, those people invite us to split up and go to different Sunday school classes. Melody, the youngest, clings to Mom. The rest of us only look back longingly as we march politely to separate classes. We know how to look confident and enthusiastic on the outside because we've practiced at a dozen other churches. On the inside, however, we feel lonely, inept, and uncool.

"Ronny, it's so good to have you today," says the Sunday school teacher, who sat in Sunday school with my mother when they were both little girls. "Come up to the front and tell the class a little bit about where you're from."

I did, talking about Peru where I grew up with the Machiguenga Indians. Kids look blank. At 12 years old, I had had the most interesting life of anyone sitting in the room: riding rafts down wild rivers, helping care for dying Indians, climbing thorn trees in the dark to escape a herd of stampeding peccaries, speaking three languages, teaching a Machiguenga man to read, eating monkeys and macaws, and living life in the Amazon rainforest. I don't say much about any of that because I know from long and painful experiences that these kids don't care very much. In middle school, what they care about are each other's hair, clothes, and shoes. Most don't have a clue where Peru is.

So how do you reach out to a missionary kid who is on home assignment?

For starters, let's just admit that it's not easy or natural. They come to you from a completely different world and are going through a culture shock that neither you nor they understand. Still, there are significant things you can do to help:

Remember that those MKs aren't glad to be "home." They're homesick. They may be the same skin color as you and speak perfect English, but they probably aren't terribly loyal to America and probably even resent repeated comments that imply they're lucky to finally be back in such a nice country. Do not ever say, "Aren't you glad to be home?" Instead, Consider saying something like, "We're really glad to have you here, even though it must be hard for you to be so far from home."
When you know a missionary family is coming to your home for dinner or to your church, do some homework. Look up the country map. Find out some things about the country. Prep your own kids with meaningful questions to ask us, like "What are some of the ways you think Peru is a better place to live than America?"
Plan an activity for your kids and the missionary kids that gives them a chance to bond without pressure or awkward tension. Try an activity that neither your kids nor the MKs will have done before so they are both learning a new thing. MKs excel at new things, and you will be making memories that provide a foundation for future relationships.
When you meet MKs, don't assume that they know anything about you. As a part of your introduction, tell something about yourself that they might remember: "I'm Martha Anderson. I'm the one who sent the fruitcake that you hated."
Never say, "My, how you've grown." My MK son wanted to make a T-shirt that said, "My, how I've grown." It's a phrase we MKs all learn to hate.

Third-culture kids

Their experiences and heritage make missionary kids part of a larger grouping called "third-culture kids." [ more ]

-- Howard Culbertson,

Afterword: Examples of Mks

Author Pearl Buck grew up in China where her parents were missionaries.
Nazarene missions leader R. Franklin Cook grew up in Idia where his parents were missionaries.
Frank Dewey, a long-time missionary to India and Ukraine, grew up in India, where his parents were missionaries.
Shannon Ethridge, author and speaker in Christian circles, was the daughter of Don Richardson, missionary to the Sawi people of Indonesia.
Nazarene district superintendent Phil Fuller grew up in Italy where his parents were missionaries
Psychologist Rachele Floyd grew up in Italy and Haiti where her parents served as missionaries.
Ruth Bell Graham grew up in China where her parents served as Presbyterian medical missionaries.
Shirley Graham was the daughter of missionaries and spent her childhood in China. She later became known as Shirley Graham Du Bois after marrying the prominent African-American scholar and civil rights activist W. E. B. Du Bois.
Construction contractor Scott Hannay grew up in Haiti where his parents were missionaries
Stephen Heap, a veteran missionary to Brazil, grew up in Central America where his parents were missionaries.
Nellie McClung was a Canadian suffragette, social reformer, and politician. She spent her childhood in various locations in western Canada, where her father served as a Methodist missionary.
Jerry Porter, Nazarene district superintendent, missionary and general superintendent, was a missionary kid.
Missionary-to-Ecuador Dwight Rich grew up in Haiti where his parents were missionaries.
Harmon Schmelzenbach, the founder of Africa Nazarene University, was the son and grandson of missionaries
Steve Saint, son of missionary pilot Nate Saint, grew up in Ecuador among the Waodani tribe. He later became known for his work with indigenous tribes in Ecuador and for co-founding I-TEC (Indigenous People's Technology and Education Center).
Carla Sunberg, Nazarene General Superintendent, grew up in Germany where her parents were missionaries
Ruth Tucker, an author and professor, spent her childhood as a missionary kid in Guatemala.
Physics professor Mark Winslow grew up in Taiwan where his parents were missionaries.

What Makes Mks Unique?

Missionary Kids (MKs) are unique due to the cultural, social, and emotional experiences that have shaped their lives. These factors include:

Multicultural Exposure: MKs usually grow up in countries different from their parents' home country. That provides them with a diverse cultural experience. They may speak more than one language and understand varying sets of cultural norms. They thus tend to be culturally aware and highly adaptable.
Third Culture Kid (TCK) Identity: MKs are a subset of Third Culture Kids. TCKs are people who grew up in a culture different from their parents' native culture. This TCK identity may result in MKs feeling like they don't fully belong to any single culture but instead possess a hybrid cultural identity.
Frequent Transitions: Many MKs experience frequent moves, whether it's within the host country or between countries. The need to adapt to new environments and form new relationships can create both resilience and unsettling challenges.
Strong Sense of Mission and Purpose: As they grow up in missionary families, MKs are exposed to strong religious and altruistic values. As a result, they often develop a deep sense of purpose and commitment to service.
Education Variability: MKs often have diverse educational experiences. These may include international schools, boarding schools, homeschooling, and local schools in their host countries. This variability can provide a broad perspective but also pose challenges in terms of educational continuity and stability.
Community and Relationships: MKs typically belong to tight-knit group of missionaries where relationships with other MKs and missionary families are crucial. While these communities can provide a sense of belonging and support, they sometimes isolate MKs from the local culture.
Reverse Culture Shock: When MKs return to their parents' home country, they may experience reverse culture shock. This results from trying to adjust to a culture they are theoretically familiar with but which is practically foreign to them. The result can be feelings of alienation and identity confusion.
Emotional Resilience and Challenges: The life experiences of MKs often build emotional resilience, adaptability, and maturity. On the other hand, those experiences can create emotional challenges, including feelings of rootlessness, grief from frequent goodbyes, and the pressure of high expectations.
Global Perspective: MKs usually develop a broad worldview. They may understand global issues and can emphatize with people from diverse backgrounds. That global perspective can be a significant asset in their personal and professional lives.
Identity and Belonging:The constant negotiation of their identity across different cultures can make MKs introspective and self-aware. They may have a complex sense of identity and belonging, feeling at home in multiple places while also nowhere entirely.

These factors equip MKs to navigate a globalized world. They provide them with skills and perspectives that are valuable in a variety of contexts. However, they also mean that an MK may face challenges regarding identity, stability, and belonging.